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Well this is the first entry of my journal. I have written a public online journal before, but not about one that is so close to my heart. I am doing this for two reasons: the first to keep track of my own thoughts and feelings as my trans operation approaches (possibly around October time next year). By monitoring how I feel I can look at the changes along the way. The second, by sharing this, others who are thinking or curious about this path may openly look, and even ask questions upon the way, which may open the doors for many others.


Once again, many thanks to you all for listening

Hugs and blessings

Love Sally

xxxxxx

© Copyright Sally Wall & Diamonds Cambridge - All rights reserved.


My History

My battle with Charring Cross has been long and hard. Back eight years ago, I was furious with them that they said I couldn't be 'living my life as a woman' because I didn't spend my money on cosmetics - namely getting my face 'done' with laser. That I hated my facial hair did not count (back then) and that I wanted to spend the money on my newborn daughter was not womanly enough to warrant their acceptance. They also spent an hour asking me pointless questions about what my parents did as children which in that detail I saw had no relevance on my own feelings then. The final time I went to charring cross all those years ago, I saw them for only ten minutes - the entire trip was a total waste of time, my looking for their acceptance, and them asking what they could do for me. I did not go the time after that, and I had their rejection letter that I would need another referral.

Their reaction being so negative, it put me off any kind of medical intervention for a long time. I believed the entire thing was a trick of society, to force us to conform to their way of being, and that it wasn't OK to be able to devise our own priorities. Since they said I was "not transsexual" but "could later become so" did not fit with me, because of the core way I had felt towards my body and I did not perceive it would alter that much. I have fantasised about a girl in my head since I was 13 and called her Sally, the name I changed my own to deed pole to, when I was 21.

As one relationship failed after another due to a lack of physical intimacy I began to change my mind about how far I could go as well as how things might be in a different external body. I decided to go private in order to avoid the ridicule I had suffered from Charring Cross. Paying UK pounds, appox 300 euros200 for an hour visit, I was pleased with the acceptance of what I had achieved, yet also concerned about the financial cost it had taken me to get there. Nevertheless, I was allowed hormones, and over the oncoming months as my breasts grew I was delighted. Even with the thought of never being able to give life to another child, I saw this finally as an important step to the body I so identified internally.

I changed GP, and he was increasingly unhappy with my going private. Admittedly, my regular visits had fallen from 4 a year to only 2 due to a shortfall in money. Whilst this was going on, I had a reaction to the testosterone blocker pills which resulted in a blood clot or deep vein thrombosis (DVT) in my left calf. Not wanting to come off the hormones I had been taking, I agreed with Russel to carry on taking the Warfarin (blood thinner) on a long term basis with only a slighter lesser set of hormones (From Osymen to Climival), but once the six month period was over, my GP was unhappy about the continuation of warfarin, indicating that long term warfarin usage can increase the chances of haemorrhaging due to the thinning of blood. I stopped taking the testosterone blocker, but continued on the Climival. A repeat DVT did not occur.

It was Russel Reid's interventions saying I had been living as a woman for the entire time since I openly changed my name and became a 'full time woman' at the age of 21, which finally allowed me equal access as a woman. This was a huge turning point to me, because until this point ASDA, the company I worked for, had been forcing me to change totally isolated on the toilet floor in the disabled toilets, causing me sometimes to enter work in floods of tears. With this Gender Recognition Act, and being a woman in legal standing no more could people treat me like some kind of toilet rodent.

It was really my GP's intervention of taking me off warfarin which led me back to becoming more trusting of the NHS, now some 7 years after Charring Cross had turned their back on me. Gently, my GP coaxed me back into trying Charring Cross again, and with huge fear I went back: my GP said that taking away my hormones would be "cruel" (having been on them now for 2 1/2 years), and with the knowledge he was behind me, although scared I decided to pursue this line of trust. It took a further year for the referral to 'go through' to the actual appointment at charring cross.

Amazingly, Charring Cross still had their original notes of me, and they reassured me that they too would not stop my medication which was my first worry. They also said they had it on their notes I probably would have been granted hormones, and I explained I did not appreciate their views on how I was, much less how I would therefore change, nor that my appearance should be so centred on governing my womanhood, but more how I was feeling and identifying from within. Perhaps the length of time I had stood up for the entire transition period said something to them that I was still set on achieving my dreams of becoming whole and in seeking acceptance. There were no more silly questions either on what my dad felt as a little boy regarding his manhood, and the questions far more focused upon how I was feeling and reflecting from my own history. They listened and gave me space to have my own interjections, and it seemed like a totally different organisation to that which I remembered.

There is far more to say about my childhood and adolescent experiences growing up transsexual. However, I felt that my feelings now relate back to my entire transition period since I first changed my name when I was 21, and I wanted to put these feelings into perspective. So that when I say I was terrified of rejection from Charring Cross, it is possible to understand why, even though my first experience of them was indeed a very very long time ago.


Journal TWO - 21st December, 2007

Finally, I get to talk about the point where I am now!

I was going to write this as an addition to the last journal and then got carried away in talking about my past. Those who know me know once I get started talking on a side issue I never stop!

So I am there. I'm not sure where 'there' is exactly. It feels like another milestone, somewhere along the road. An important one, because I have fulfilled Charring Cross' expectations of where I am with regards to the full transition, and now finally I have the control I had been seeking from the beginning. Upon my second visit two weeks ago (the first being told 4 months ago I was a straightforward case), I was told that if on the next meet (in early April) and being granted the injection (which I would already be taking if Charring Cross hadn't lost my blood test results back in September) I would be able to go ahead with requesting the full surgery.

On this meet two weeks ago at the Charring Cross hospital, I was asked how I would feel if I never got aroused again and if I would really miss it. It was a question I had not been expecting and I had to give it thought eventually saying it was like talking about another person, saying this whilst feeling the risk of losing their support. Thankfully that outcome did not happen, and they said I was in full control now, they'd offer me the injection and see how I felt once I was in more of a state of how I would be after the operation. They said they simply didn't want to give it and then for me to feel it was a mistake.

Despite the euphoria of having reached 'there', there are side issues which have arisen as the result of this. The first is that my counselling course I had been taking, I had to give up. It is no good starting to see clients in March to take on board their problems whilst my body is adapting to this new injection, and the resulting thoughts of this decision I will make in April. I also can't leave ASDA as much as I'd like to (I've been working there 5 1/2 years in spite of how I've been treated) because I know that if I accept this operation, it could very well take place in October and result in six weeks absence.

I've also noticed some changes around my personality - namely a bit of regression [feelings around being younger]. That is not pretending I am 21 again [am 34 now] but that some of the earlier feelings such as the enjoyment of silly jokes, blushing over crushes and so on have very much become a part of my life. I am imagining this will disappear once I start taking the testosterone injection, and indeed is why I have decided to begin my journal now.

On top of this, I have started a new relationship with a woman. It is ironic that I find a lesbian partner just as I am due to start proceedings to this 'final change' and not after, and so lovely is she, she accepts and loves my body whatever I decide to do, so I know if I back out I won't have to lose her. It is partly the feeling of truly being in love and the feeling of unconditional support which has aided this feeling of regression. People who do not talk online do not realise how physical a relationship can get through cameras and the projection of feelings. [I invited her into this group!!!] Anyway, I digress. I think it's important to have someone whom you love and respect behind you every step of the way. So often this doesn't happen, and love is very conditional upon the personal decisions we make and this can affect our happiness so much. Since my mum has accepted me after struggling with my issues for seven years, and now with my girlfriend behind me, I truly have a wealth of loving support whatever I decide to do. Nevertheless, in the back of my mind I still worry that we have a very physical online relationship and I do worry once my testosterone is blocked how this will affect the way we are together. She says she'll be there with me throughout, but I have a history of being let down by people, and I still worry.

With this worry in mind, and the question left to me by Charring Cross, I braved the icy weather on my bike and approached Diane at one of our trans group meetings. Never one for talking 'around' an issue and hoping someone picks up on it, I asked straight out about the possibility of never feeling aroused again and what had been asked. Once calmed, I remembered how I had been on testosterone blocker before, and though unable to maintain erections (which is what it is designed to do), there were occasions my excitement still carried forth and indeed able to orgasm. In fact, after talking to Diane, even this scenario seemed to look even better in the longer term, as she told me that much work is done these days to ensure that the nerve endings are all used wherever possible for the final operation, and providing I dilate everything will be fine.

Understanding dilation to be the process of insertion into the new vagina to prevent it from healing (which I find a terrifying thought), I pointed to a glass and asked how I would get something that size into me and how painful that would be especially at first. Diane's face dropped in shock and then laughed saying that to use something that size would leave anyone all large and flabby, that they start with something really small and then work up but nothing anywhere near that size" I am sure in years to come, I will laugh at myself for thinking such things, surely somewhere along the line of: if I masturbate will 'it' fall off? I started to feel a bit better.

And then one of our girls mentioned something about a doctor that Charring Cross use. I can't remember his name but it sounded something like Doctor Chopperblocker at least that is how it felt! Diane didn't seem to think he was bad at all, but it did raise concerns to me (again) about the competency and trust of Charring Cross, and I was told (yes again) about the need to dilate and everything would be fine.

At this moment in time, I am waiting for these blood test results to come through (providing they are not lost again) and to see my GP to get this injection. I have arranged to go to America to see Mari (my girlfriend) and this will be a test for me as to whether and how much I am able to sustain a physical relationship whilst suppressing my testosterone. I intend to make another short entry once I have seen my doctor and getting this injection, another after I am back from my trip to America, and of course a more lengthy one around the time I will be making that decision to go ahead with the operation. I have heard real stories of people walking out of the operating theatre and still being allowed on hormones with the possibility of a later operation, so finally the process part of the procedure is off, and now I can just concentrate purely upon how I feel.

What a shame there was no-one to help me do that from the beginning. Still, times change, and I have the thought that the operation offered to me now is so much more superior than anything I'd have had so many years ago.

[I invite comments and questions to anything I have typed, and thank you for letting me share this with you]


Journal Three - 9th January

I am writing this entry before I had planned but one or two things have happened I believe is worthy of note.

The first is that I have stepped away from my course due to a lack of places available for me to do my counselling. It is really frustrating because I was originally very close to having a stable place, but had to leave due to local hostility. In absence of any useful help from my college I had to give up my dream course.

This year, retaking, I came very close to securing a placement, but I was asked for a police check that the college pressured me saying would take too long. So I cancelled the course, just for it to come through really quickly on the third of January and I could have carried on after all. I guess some things are just 'meant' to happen, and whatever powers that 'be' have decided I should look after myself physically first, and worry about my career after, for everything started coming together only after I left the course.

The second thing which has happened that I want to note in my journal, is with my girlfriend's permission (Mari). She is already 'out' to her friends as being lesbian, but they are now accusing her of being bisexual because she is dating me, and they see me as male (though they haven't yet seen my photo) and say they could never dream of doing such a thing - I find this distressing, for their lack of willingness to see me as a person is evident, and once again find the trans issues as being viewed as neither male nor female in almost an inhuman way. Fortunately, Mari's response to this was to shrug it off restating their need for labels, but it emphasises again to me how divided the gay community can be in supporting not just those who really are bisexual but also over their inability to support those within the transgendered community. Given that this problem is in Los Angeles, where Mari lives, I see the same thing over here, over 5000 miles away, where the different communities frequently sit on separate tables and communication between them seems very sparse. There are exceptions, but they seem to be rare, and I think Mari's experience is one typical within the Western Culture.

I am going to ring my doctor about my testosterone injection tomorrow: I shall write more once I have had it, and reflect further on any mood changes I encounter. I am still nervous about it, because I don't want to lose any of the good times I am finally being able to enjoy with a girl who's so much fun to be with.


Journal FOUR - 11th January

I realise this comes only two days after my previous entry, but I made myself a promise I would write once I have seen my GP following up from my last consultation at Charring Cross. It has been a month (mid December) since I had the go-ahead from the second doctor and am waiting on the results from my second lot of blood tests from Charring Cross since they lost the first.

To my disappointment (although not really my surprise) my GP has heard nothing from Charring Cross. He spent 20 minutes with me in the room trying to phone them, hitting one blank after another, unable to get through. His persistence eventually paid off (I think he's an excellent doctor and I am very lucky to have him). He finally managed to discover there was a letter waiting on file, but we do not yet know if they hold the blood test results or have been waiting again: therefore I do not know the level of testosterone that needs to be blocked, and how much of my character and sexual drive is going to be diminished which I find unsettling.

To cope with such a big oncoming change is immense, but not to know the extent of what needs to be done, is really uncomfortable and means I can't plan my year ahead. I continue to stay with my mum who has been so supportive and I don't know where I'd be without her, but like anyone, I still crave independence and to be self- sufficient.

My doctor has phoned through for them (on their answering machine) to send him the fax ASAP, so hopefully soon I will know. If they have lost the blood test results my doctor has agreed that we can get them locally and try and liaise with Charring Cross so I can begin the testosterone injection they have already agreed in principle before my next appointment in April (if I had gone for my preferred afternoon appointment, it would have been June). Which begs the question, would they have just left me doing absolutely nothing, leave me waiting six months and then just apologise and do it all over again.

I am glad I finally have control over what meds I want, and how far to go with the operation without needing to jump through any more of their 'hoops' But it is hugely frustrating I can't plan properly because of the disorganisation of Charring Cross and them not sending the information forward as they promise. These are the people who are advising me over the most important decision I will ever make in my life - somehow in spite of their shortcomings I still need to trust them with openness and courage.


10th March, 2008 - ENTRY FIVE

It's high time for another entry, especially as things have moved so fast for me.

Any worries I had of a recurring blood clot through a long haul flight whilst on Climaval (hormones) has thankfully not manifested, and my recent trip to America went without any medical hitches.

I asked my doctor to take the blood tests for me, since Charring Cross seems to have lost mine a second time: I have an appointment with them early next month and I am damned if they are going to ask me to wait another five months just because they cannot store the results properly! I had wanted the results before I flew to America so I would know for sure I was safe, but the week booking procedure with the nurses at my surgery meant I was unable to achieve this; however all the results came back stable on my return and my doctor was happy to take things to the next level.

Today I have been given the injection which is designed to stop my body making testosterone - This is called Goserelin. My doctor has also rung the hosptial to ensure that I can have the Climaval for a couple of weeks. The reason that these two are given along side, is that although Goserelin is designed to stop testosterone being produced in the body, the body immediately tries to dispose of any remaining testosterone in the system, which can in the initial stages lead to an uncomfortable rise rather than reduction: the Climaval seeks to block testosterone hence counteracting this initial effect. However, my doctor suspects it was the Climaval which caused the blood clot 18 months ago when I was last on this, but has been assured that for the two week duration (in tandem with the injection) it is highly unlikely to reoccur. [For those interested, the Goserelin, rather than being a liquid injection is a tablet which sits just underneath the skin and is initially given in monthly intervals and once is known to be safe with the person is extended in 3 month intervals.] My doctor wants a blood check undertaken in 3 1/2 weeks time to ensure I am clear for another month of Goserelin, and I have a Charring Cross appointment in early April and this time I will have two sets of blood test results to give them when they tell me (again) they have unfortunately lost their own!

As readers of my journal know, this isn't just a medical log of what I am undertaking, but more a reflection of my feelings towards what has been happening. At the moment I am feeling a bit dizzy from the injection, and I can only assume this is my own anxiety since I have built myself up for this over many years. I now know that if I choose I could only be seven months away from the final operation, having got the go-ahead from the doctors last visit at Charring Cross. I am feeling excited about this, but also nervous, anxious, and fearful. I wish I could make sense of these feelings, but that is how they are at this moment in time and probably explains why I am feeling dizzy after having this injection rather than any physical reaction.

In the immediate term, I am also a little anxious about how this injection is going to affect my outlook on life. I have a girlfriend (who has been good enough to join this group to see what is happening around me), and whilst she is hugely supportive, she is also the first person I have ever been able to have a fulfilling sexual life with, even if away from the computer this was confirmed for my two week stay in America but in four months she'll be coming to Cambridge! As much as I want this new body and can do all kinds of new things from it, in the back of my mind I am terrified if it all 'goes wrong', and what the doctors said to me that how would I feel if I was never able to feel any arousal or excitement again, something which the injection I have just taken is expected to occur. Have I just found the lesbian life of my dreams just to throw it away for want of another dream I have been working on for so long? Or will somehow the two come together and be an even bigger better dream than anything I could ever have wished to be out here in the real world? I have fantasised about expressing myself this way from when I was only 13!

I have been on Climaval (testosterone blocker) before, and it did kill my excitement, but after a number of months, I began working with it, and finding new ways to express and feel arousal, and I was also still able to orgasm. I am using this as a base to tell myself that things won't be as bad as the worst-case scenario these doctors are questioning. I can't pretend I am not afraid. But I guess I'll have to take each step as it comes, and keep going forward in the belief better things lie in wait for me.

The comforting words Diane said to me (see last journal entry) now seem such a long time ago, and perhaps time has now come for me to see her and get some more! I do feel in my heart good things lie in wait. I just have to believe a little more...


3rd April 2008

I am now off the Cyprotorone (testosterone blocker), and despite a panic with what I thought might be a blood clot and turned out to be eczema (felt a right idiot with the doctor), everything is medically stable.

Emotionally, the same things can't be said. I seem to be up and down like a yo-yo, and is now a little more stable than has been, and I am really hoping that injection has taken away that testosterone so I won't have to go through this again. I've also been going from hot to cold very quickly and it is very destabilising.

Sexually, there has been little change so far, not the lack of sexual feeling I had been expecting to feel. That leads me to wonder how much the testostrone has receded compared to before I took the injection - I will find out next week when I see my doctor since I had some blood tests taken last Monday so I know.

Nothing has prepared me for the tiredness, no matter what I seem to do, I seem to be flaking with energy. I am also waking up for the toilet more in the night. Having had a chest infection the first week after my injection has also not helped in finding my own inner balance.

Lately, I have tried to beat this tiredness and go out. The last occasion was the Wednesday trans group, but in effect, it did not work because the feeling of tiredness was too strong. With a friend, we were going to play a game of pool. I had thought that maybe a small bottle of alcohol would lighten me up a little and allow me to be freer, but in fact it exacerbated the tiredness to the point I was so tired I could barely move. In the end I had to make my excuses and leave.

I still have my doctors appointment on Monday, and on Thursday is my big trip to Charring Cross to tell them I want the operation. Hopefully now I will be more emotionally stable.


18th April, 2008

Hello everyone. After my visit to Charring Cross, time for another entry.

Finally I have the official clearance for the operation!!! This is huge for me, and in many ways I am celebrating. Things are really looking up for me, and my life feels good. However, the bad news is that the Primary Care Trust (PCT) is likely to delay this, and I will not find out how long for about two months when I can request my doctor making a request to find out. When I find out what the delay is, then I will begin celebrating. Charing Cross told me if it is too long, that is deemed illegal and I will be able to sue.

I've also found out that they are able to 'fiddle' the baseline testosterone levels if they fall too sharply. This came as a huge surprise to me because I did not realise they could do this. In other words, if I feel that my life is falling below a certain level, they are able to give me a series of pills which will trick my body into thinking there is more testosterone than there is, and will mean the operation can still go ahead! However, they say if this happens, they will need to find the right balance of meds before the operation and not after, and this is likely to delay it.

In the meantime, I am still having hot / cold flushes which I believe is linked to hormonal changes. At times, this leaves me shivering. I hope this subsides soon.

Anyhow, the next course of action:

2 1/2 weeks: blood test + ring Charring Cross and ensure they haven't lost my blood test results for the third time indicating my current levels of testosterone at a level Charring Cross said I was able to manage.

3 weeks: if blood tests clear, I can have 3 month testosterone blocker injection rather than 1 week

2 months: contact my doctor and find out waiting list time for op

3 months: another appointment at Charring Cross to see if I am able to cope with current levels of testosterone or if I need new pills

____

My sex drive thankfully seems to have been unaffected. Well this isn't strictly true, but I am still feeling the desire to be touched, and to touch back, and also still notice people I find attractive. However, what has changed since the injection is that my genital area feels totally numb, whilst everything above and below feels largely unaffected - it's really weird sensation and will need to mention this to my doctor - perhaps this is normal, and my body is just now waiting for the operation.


30th April, 2008

Hello everyone, time for another entry.

Amazingly Charring Cross have kept my last blood test results so I don't have to add theirs to the last DVT check prior to my getting my 3 month testosterone blocker injection. I really don't understand why doctors have to call these things by their formal names, as long as I call it the testosterone blocker thingie I know where I am! Anyhow, it means they have a baseline reading for when they considered me happy so if ever my life quality fell beyond a certain point, they have a place they can return through a combination of other drugs that will still allow my operation to continue.

About two weeks ago, just a bit after I wrote about how numb my body was, it woke up! I much prefer it this way because I feel at one with it, rather than a part missing. I can only assume it was the immediate reaction to the blocker.

It still takes a a fair time and energy to take the time to get aroused, but I'm glad it can still happen. I'm not referring to physical arousal here (though interestingly that still can occasionally occurs), but the adrenaline rush that arousal gives and the rush of sexual thoughts which accompany. As I have said throughout, I would really hate to see that disappear altogether, because it is an important part of my life that gives meaning and value to the relationship I have with my girlfriend, Mari (even at such a distance).

It's now the waiting game. In a month, after I am given the testosterone blocking thingie (see that expression does work!) that lasts three months, I can ask my doctor to find out how long the PCT (Primary Care Trust) has asked me to wait. That shall be a huge milestone, since I can then plan my life around it accordingly, including holidays - at the moment I don't even know whether I can visit my girlfriend again next February or March. My expected waiting time will be anywhere between two months and a year. (Seeing surgeon average 3 months after that, and surgery 3 months after [average]).

I want to finish sharing a little of my family. My mother has come such a long way from her early days of dealing with this, but I do wish she could come a little further. Recent conversations have finished almost with her trying to talk me out of wanting the operation, when now I want the entire family behind me and believing in the improved life that it can bring; I still dread all the pain from having to go through with it. My sister talks about it with me from time to time, but with only a handful of weeks before she delivers her first baby, her mind's understandably truely elsewhere. As a result, I find myself spending hours away from everyone (on the computer) and for this reason am going to make an effort tomorrow to go back out to the pub, now the tiredness is no longer pulling.



Blessings and love to you all
Sally
xxxxxx


Once again, many thanks to you all for listening

Hugs and blessings

Love Sally

xxxxxx